Don't let the bastards get you down...

It's 2h30 am and I can't sleep! I guess I just have too much on my mind right now... Life's been pretty tough on me for the past few months... I thought everything would come back to normal once I'd get back to school but it didn't. I feel empty. Like somebody stabbed me in the heart and it bled until there was nothing left... I don't enjoy anything really I'm putting on a show for everybody else you know... so that I don't seem so out of it... I'm trying to understand what's going on with me...why I'm like that... frozen... all I feel is pain and anxiety... I'm just over it ready to take the next step and enjoy life again... I want to be me, whoever this person is... I just turned 21 recently and I thought that by now I would have found my identity but I didn't... I feel like I'm just watching time pass me by...and it has to stop. I don't want to throw away my life like that. I don't want to make the same mistakes again either. I don't want to have regrets. I am now making a decision, I'm getting back on my feet. No more sleeping until 12h00, no more watching tv and crying, no more laziness. No more thinking about this guy that hurt me... so not even worth it... no more putting myself down... no more telling myself I'm ugly... no more living my life through other people. The only person that I can truly rely on in life is myself and I need to trust this person because if I don't nobody else will. I need to open myself and let everybody know how pure my heart is and how much I care for and about other people... how much I want to help everybody. Even if it means I am more vulnerable... even if I get rejected... I shouldn't base my self-confidence on what other peope think about me but on what I think about myself and how I feel about myself... I shouldn't and I won't anymore... it's over for good... so tomorrow morning when my alarm clock will ring at 8h30 I'll get up, make myself some breakfast, do my homework, do my yoga, go to school and I will be smiling from the inside (and the outside too!) because I am a good and a beautiful person and I need to let everybody I love know that... :)

What Is love?

That is the question...The question that I am not the first to ask... What defines love? Is it the butterflies you get when you see someone? Is it the warmth that you feel rushing through your body when that someone else kisses you? Or are these just the physiological reactions to what we commonly call "passion"...You know I've really been asking myself all sorts of questions concerning love lately which is probably quite normal since I broke up with my first boyfriend a week or so ago (we had been together for 2 years). And then I met someone else and I told myself "you know you can't fall back into your old habits right now, you need to get back on your feet before you enter a new relationship"... But I can't! I wanted to be detached but I'm not... I am constantly waiting for his phone calls and then when he doesn't call me (like tonight) then I am a mess... I am heartbroken all over again and doubting myself "did I do something wrong?" or "am I too clingy?" or I think that maybe he had enough of me that I'm not cool enough or pretty enough... Plus I can't even concentrate, when I'm at work all I ever do is think about him... it kills me, I hate being like that... Before I fell in love for the first time I thought that I was an independant woman but then I discovered that's not the case... I refrain myself to call him too often... I try to let him come to me instead but I have lots of trouble with that which sucks... My life is my life and at the end of the day if I keep living my life through other people I will be the one that's left filled with regrets because I did not enjoy it... Obviously that's not what I want but I don't feel like there's nothing I can do to stop myself from thinking about him... like I try to change my mind but it always stays with me. Now tomorrow I'll go the gym and get a membership since it's been a long time since I've been active... I'm thinking that it might do me some good... I just hope that I did not spoil everything with him because i got involved with him too quickly after my breakup... he's a good guy and I am emotionally involved in this relationship so I know that if it ends I will be heartbroken all over again because let's face it, 2 heartbreaks in a month is more than I can bare...But you know tomorrow is another day so I hope that a good night's sleep will help me see things more clearly...:-)